tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
