a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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