I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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