i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
