i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
