I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
