The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
