apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Someone came in the potted fern
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
