oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
