get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
