Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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