Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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