If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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