Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
