I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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