I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
We need a shit load of segways right now
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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