It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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