I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
