i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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