Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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