there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
