how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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