I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
