have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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