I think scott just propositioned me for sex
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
