drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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