I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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