i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
