I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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