My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
