I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
These tits shall not be calmed
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
