Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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