so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
