i'm signing you up for texting rehab
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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