Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
