He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
