I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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