Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
