Your face is a jimmy john
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
