i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
