guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just high enough for therapy.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
