So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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