Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You've changed since you got that strap on
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
