Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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