some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
