Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
they're like a gay fantastic four
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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