Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
They took my balls.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
