This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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