Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
