All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
