DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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